By TAYLOR BENNETT
Staff Writer
So, the time has come. Or maybe it has not. It’s time for you to prove your worth in four hundred and fifty words or less. Can you do it, can you speak your entire life story in that time, and show a university with over fifty thousand students and hundreds of thousands of applicants per year why you are the special one? I hope your answer is no because if it is, I get to prove you wrong right now – in four hundred and fifty words or less. Start counting, we’re at 89 now.
First, you need to remember that real people are reading your application. They are not Grammarly bots, they are in fact people. I promise. Talk with them, not at them. But make sure you follow the conventional rules of grammar and punctuation. You may also need to remember to make yourself seem extra special through any internal issues you want to broadcast to the world. Did I mention that it might get you more money to talk about something sad? College isn’t for happy people, you simpleton. Dig deep inside of you and find something that may have ruined your life, and talk about it. Show them why you are not a victim of that situation. Maybe they would consider giving you a scholarship. Or maybe they will just feel bad for you and move on to the next applicant.
Second, do you have any cash on you? Got any money? Lose it. Donate it. Give it to a child and tell them not to spend it all in one place. You want to rely on a college for money. You want to take out loans. Yes, you do. You want to be in debt when you graduate from their institution. You need them. Why? Because they said so. It makes you special and helpless, and they enjoy preying on that for some contradictory and sadistic reasons of their own. If any future colleges I apply to are seeing this, I said what I said. Like any large and for-profit corporation, you capitalize to the maximum ability. It is smart, and it is understandable. Sometimes, it is just not fair.
We are almost done. There is one more step that you need to master before I stop making you feel bad about college admissions and acceptance. Do not ever let grades define you. Cheesy, I know, but very true. In any circumstance, people are more than any number. I have a few more words left, so I will end with this: take the college process back. Take your dignity back. Take me back to before I understood any of this. Any of those will suffice.