By Anonymous
Staff Writer
As the days drag on more and more, I feel myself sliding down a slope. In hindsight, I don’t believe I´m on the verge of a spin-out, but I can feel change is coming. I feel zero aspiration or motivation to do anything. Everything just turns to mush in my head and the lights are only on from the outside. Inside, I don’t even know who’s home anymore. Everything is just cold and quiet, memories of what was but will never be again. Who’s still here? I haven’t heard Molly bark in a while and the only noise is my thoughts. I think about my family, how did my little brother get so tall? He’s slightly taller than me now, with mild facial hair and a deep voice. He changed within a blink of an eye, but then again I don’t remember when I stopped opening them. I don’t know if I checked out on my family or if they checked out on me. I don’t know which one is worse and if I think about it too much, I must just cry. Within the walls, I feel suffocated by memories and thoughts that feel irrelevant now but the tears fall just the same. I reflect on what this means from here on out, where do I go from here? I feel guilt creaking in my chest when I think about leaving my mom here, no children that come to visit unless they need something, and teenagers and a husband at home with antisocial traits. I recognize these points when I come through the house late at night from work and I see my mom laying downstairs by herself. Sometimes I try to engage with her and others, I walk straight up to my room. I know I should just sit down and do something with my mom, remind her and myself of a relationship we should be working on. But I don’t and I hate myself more for that. I recognize all the points of where my mistakes begin but I don’t have it in me to stop and try again. I just go with it and I don’t even feel anything about it anymore. The world’s not piling down on me, more like fading into the background. I think of all the pain I’ve given and received and I still don’t know if it ever amounted to anything. I fantasize about my next birthday often, I count the days down: two months, four hours, and thirteen hours. Even with the guilt, I know I need to find my own way in life and have time to heal before my family and I can grow close. I don’t know who’s home anymore but I will eventually be able to feel the warmth again.