By KAITLYN HENSON
Staff Writer
For almost my whole life it feels like I’ve struggled with my mental health. I was always labeled as being shy and incredibly sweet, just because I was quiet and thought to treat others kindly that deserved kindness. But despite this outward image I portrayed, it’s always felt during my younger years that people were putting an identity on me and decided how I should be to benefit themselves, and now that I’m almost 18 I’ve been able to turn my life around with the truly caring people and friends around me.
I was just recently clinically diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, which is defined as an intense fear of social interactions/environments. It’s this feeling of thoughts swirling through my head about all the judgments people are facing my way, how they don’t like the way I dress, the way I act, the way I talk, and just the way I am in general. It’s such an intense fear that it’s immensely affected the way I made friends, and oftentimes those friendships didn’t last long.
I started developing feelings of depression the moment I became a teenager, and I started seeing a therapist about it. The people I surrounded myself with back then were few, and despite moving to different schools the social issues persisted. I started to feel that the problem was me and that there was no possible way for me to be normal and to have the bravery of talking to people I’ve known for years. I remember going to the Student Services office during my first years of high school, crying my eyes out for the littlest things because I just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I didn’t know myself.
The pandemic hit not long after, and for a moment I felt relief. I was by myself at home with people I’m already familiar with, so there was no fear of me having to worry about myself socially. But then I slowly began to realize an emotion I didn’t know I was experiencing this whole time – loneliness. For the first time I truly did want to be around people and was desperate for that little bit of social interaction that I was starting to lack, and it sucked that I couldn’t bring myself to simply text my friends asking if they wanted to go on zoom and hang out. In my head, it felt like they would judge me and say “Why are you so clingy you’re wasting my time with all of this.” That was my mindset for the majority of the pandemic, unfortunately.
Luckily there was a light at the end of the tunnel – I started to grow a passion for animation. It was something that was occasionally brought up my sophomore year when some acquaintances of mine saw my artwork and told me I would be good at animation. For a while, I kinda brushed it off “Pfft no way, I’m not that talented. You’re thinking too much of me.” That is until I actually got curious, and having nothing else to do I decided to start learning more about it. Just curiosity turned into a strong interest, and that strong interest became an obsession, and that obsession became practice. I have found a medium of entertainment that I can commit to and tell my stories through, which I have struggled with figuring out for years. For once, I had found something that I could do myself with my own art and my own vision with my own writing, and it was a thrilling discovery. I was feeling happier than I had ever been in a long time, because it felt so new, and it showed through my personality as well. I’ve always had a strong love for telling stories, but never truly knew how to exactly put them out there. Now I have this, and I became determined to master the craft.
Junior year came around and it was a strange year at best. We were all on zoom, and Media Arts classes were kinda awkward to get through because there was a struggle of collaboration. It was harder to work on stuff together when we all were apart.
At first, I was unsure if I was allowed to try out doing animation in those classes because we specifically targeted learning about video production and film. But one day I gained the confidence of doing an animation assignment – and was met by an enthusiastic reaction! For what felt like the first time people were liking my work because it felt like my own personality shining through and my own vision come to life. My teachers began encouraging this passion of mine once they found out about it, and I never looked back.
Now came the senior year, and for a moment I felt like I was hitting rock bottom. The anxiety attacks were still there, I still struggled with talking with people, and I couldn’t for the life of me just go over to the friends sitting by the tree at lunch despite them telling me I can join them. I was too terrified to.
But there was this one project in Media Arts class that changed everything. I was partnered with a student and we were tasked with coming up with a story and demonstrating it to the entire class. We decided on a time travel story about a guy who was immensely jealous of one of his coworkers, and ultimately became a villain once he discovered his time travel abilities. It was a very fun experience, and we were both passionate about this story. We put together an entire plan and props and a script of what we would say, and we even asked one of the students in the class to play music for certain scenes. Compared to everyone else’s performances, ours felt the most energetic, passionate, and intense ones in the whole class. When we were done, everyone in the class thunderously applauded us, saying how much they liked it. And then suddenly, one person brought up how much different I was with this project, and that I was so enthusiastic and joyous when doing this – despite so many people looking at me – and then everyone in that room applauded me. That was a day I never forgot.
Eventually, I was officially diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and was finally prescribed medication to reduce the feelings I have toward other people around me. I was a little scared, but nothing prepared me for the field trip to the Museum of Motion Pictures where my truest self shined.
It was an exhilarating experience, so many things were so amazing and so fun to look at. They had an exhibit of my favorite animator of all time – Hayao Miyazaki – and I was freaking out the whole time. I was in awe at everything behind-the-scenes related that I could find in his work, and everyone around me saw my enthusiasm and shared it with me. I distinctly remember once I got off the bus at 7 PM my teachers told me how glad they were that I had a good time. My mom even mentioned once she picked me up that it seemed like the medication I was prescribed was in effect. I didn’t believe her for a while, but it seemed like she was right.
The upcoming project – the biggest project of my entire high school career – was the senior thesis project. We all were tasked with pitching a grand story, making a lookbook as well as a full script, and telling this story to be overviewed by the teachers. The 5 that would be chosen would be able to present again to a board of industry professionals, who would ultimately determine the final 2 pitches that would be made in the final semester. For Media Arts students – this was a big deal.
I had this story in the back of my head for some time now – these two characters that I had poured my love into for a few years – and I never anticipated that this story would get chosen. It was an animated project obviously, but the thing was that there hasn’t ever been an animated senior thesis. This would be a very new thing that I would be introducing. So when we were finally given the assignment, I worked hard day and night to get everything done. I finalized my script, I double-checked the visuals in my look book, and I stressed myself out so much with the post-production phase of my final trailer. I had to do all of this and so much more in just a month, so the pressure was on all of us. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but everyone around me seemed to be in full support of my passion project – Star Map.
The time finally came when I would pitch my story, and I poured in all of my passion and heart into this story and these characters, because I so desperately wanted people to see these characters that have grown up with me and have been with me through the hard times of my high school years. I was ultimately one of the 5 that would present to the board of industry professionals, so the pressure really came on.
Me and the others who got picked stayed after school till 6 preparing our pitches and our presentations, and figuring out a plan to convince the board members why their story should be made. Because mine was animation, I concluded to myself that it wouldn’t get chosen because it wasn’t a film.
For those who have already seen the Star Map posters around school and snippets of the trailer – mine somehow got picked! It was probably the craziest experience of my life because I never expected I would get this far. I had so many people in support of this and saw me for who I truly was, for the first time I really felt seen. It was the first time I felt like I was finding myself.
So coming up to today, I’m a director on Star Map as well as a lead animator, working with my amazing team of people who I love very much, as we’re finalizing our locked cut of this project. We’re all incredibly excited about it, and I’m even more excited for people to see it. I’m finally seeing these characters come to life, my story coming to life, and it’s crazy to think about where I was years before.
I wanted to tell this story because I know that I’m not the only one with these past experiences, that there are people who feel like the world hates them, and that there’s no possible way things could get better. And although my life isn’t sunshine and rainbows, it’s definitely a lot brighter than it was before. I want to thank all of the people who’ve stayed with me, loved me, and supported me through my hardest times because if it weren’t for you I don’t know where I would be right now. For those people who are struggling, who may have Social Anxiety Disorder like I do, or are struggling with anything relating to identity or friends or anything of that sort, know that there is always the possibility of things getting better. You just have to keep going and try and try again until you get there. I spent a lot of time in the darkness that I forgot how I was in the light, but the important thing is knowing that there is a light somewhere.