Tips for Aspiring Journalists (wop wop wop American-Style wop wop)

By Anonymous
Staff Writer

Good morning EL DIAMANTE!

As the school year comes to a close, I believe I have an obligation to share all that I have learned. After a whole half a semester of doing journalism, I feel like I am qualified to give tips to aspiring journalists around the world. It is easy to look at the job of a journalist and say “That’s super shrimple [sic], all you have to do is parrot other people’s opinions” and you would be… right! It is quite easy, as long as you follow my rules and my rules only.

Let me lay this out in an easy-to-follow step-by-step list for all my El Diamante Journalists, or Diggers as I like to call them, as they always dig for the truth. As stated before, journalism is a pathway to many abilities some may consider… unnatural. The ability to sway people’s opinions at your whim and to produce hit pieces and propaganda is something to be used and abused as much as possible.

1. Find out what you want to write about, easy enough. Just do what other journalists are doing.

2. Don’t bother reading the articles, if you can’t extrapolate the meaning of an article based on the headline alone, then you aren’t cut out for this job.

3. Manipulate the facts to suit your viewpoint, the audience isn’t entitled to the “truth”, the real truth is your own opinion. Make sure you don’t listen to da [sic] haters.

4. If all else fails, the recipe

Here is a short little guide for recipe articles so you know exactly what to do.

1. Chose a recipe

2. Recipe all over the place

3. ???

4. Profit

Thank you, El Diamante, and good night!!!!! The Digger of TheDig signing off.

THe DIGGER DIGS AGAIN!!!!