By TAYLOR BENNETT
Staff Writer
Serves: Half of a college student and your last relationship
Difficulty: Yes…
Preparation Time: A lot
Cooking Time: Four years and your dignity for the next eight
Necessary ingredients:
- Sporadic existential bread
- Bleeding heart, medium rare
- Brining solution, one part tears, one part sodium chloride
- 1 heaping cup of bitter – I mean, butter
- ¼ teaspoon of heated debates
- ½ teaspoon of unnecessary apologies, to counteract the strength of the debates
- 2 oz. DMV lines longer than your list of reasons to give up
- ½ cup of euphoric feelings, warmed
- Sprinkle of obnoxiously red track rubber on the soles of your shoes
- Dash of leaving in the middle of a football game for something more promising
Instructions:
Place all of the ingredients in a plastic bag and hit it with a rolling pin. Once the ingredients lose their sense of identity, dump the remnants out of the bag and place them in a pot with a lack of depth. It should remind you of every friendship you had as a child.