By ISABELLA BURCIAGA
Staff Writer
She´s considerably a very pretty girl. A nicely defined body, sweet smile, and occasionally hyper. She’s beautiful, she´s seductive. She’s fairly book smart and looks at me with so much love, it takes my breath away sometimes. And I pause to think about what she sees looking back at me. I wonder if she can see through it all and see the ugly truth. That my love comes off with just a bit of hesitant, unmoving responses that are offbeat with the life we’re supposed to build together. Not necessarily an epic love but a love we figured would be unmoved forever. It’s hard to explain, the simplest being it sucks and I´m sorry. Admittedly, pretty girls dance around my head throughout the day. I´ve transitioned into this mindset of total freedom, adventure, and exploring into the next chapter of life. I feel so guilty and I know I’m the one that´s causing her pain, but I still wanna hold her when she cries even when it’s my fault and I know that´s cruel. What a jerk I am, here I have this beautiful girl handing me her heart on a platter and I wanna accept and decline. In all the years we´ve orbited each other, we always appear to be on different wavelengths. So many ´what if’s of what could be racing through my head late at night, and I don’t have an answer for any of them. I´m uncertain and hesitant, I don’t really know what I want. I fantasize about a life with total freedom, far away from here and I feel happy. Then I think about her and my heart aches for her. I know I should let her go and she should let me go. Fully this time. But I´ve never been very good at letting go and making absolute decisions. I know I can´t be uncertain with her heart and tear-stained face. If anything, I hope for nothing but the best for her. Living either here or wherever else, with a spouse and some kids along the way. Being loved consistently and safely.